A few hours ago, I found out that my old high school chum, Jim, had cracked a rib while doing an Endo on his bicycle. This came as no small surprise to me as none of my memories from 30 years or so back had indicated that Jim would be one to become involved in full contact bicycle gymnastics as a hobby, or even as a serious sport. In thinking of his new condition, various dark and humorous thoughts immediately sprang to mind. As only the truly sadistic sod would try to make a friend laugh during such a time, I jotted down the following rules for the friends of those having suffered a recent rib or torso injury.
1. Under no circumstances should the patient’s friends, or soon to be former friends, gather to exchange jokes and laughs with the patient. Jokes are banned for the first six weeks of recovery. Patients may find friends who have never before shown a talent for joke telling to be suddenly overcome with an urge to share the latest joke, even to the point of making up new jokes on the spot. This should be strongly discouraged. As soon as I heard the bad news from Jim, I immediately thought of a joke about a fortune teller and a kumquat; never mind that I cannot recall jokes on a normal basis and have never made one up as far back as anyone can remember. As the patient nears recovery he or she may notice this strange condition among his former friends drying up to the point of vanishing entirely as soon as the first good belly laugh is observed. This is of course assuming that the patient hasn’t by this time evicted all but those friends possessed with the humorous demeanor of an undertaker or hanging judge.
2. Sneezing is out – as in all the way out. In fact this would be a good time to discuss with the patient’s primary physician the possibility of nose removal or of simply blocking up the sinus cavities with Jell-O or Silly Putty or some such substance. As the mere mention of sneezing can cause an urge to sneeze to start a tickle in the nasal passages, all talk or writing about sneezing, sniffles, allergies, pepper, talcum powder, dust, or pet dander should stop immediately.
3. Allergy season must be cancelled at once. No patient suffering from rib or torso injuries should be allowed to participate in allergy season.
4. Sneeze-causing pets must be shaved immediately or dipped in an industrial-strength depilatory. It is a well-known fact that pets will immediately shed at least one coat upon sensing a patient with rib injuries or torso sutures in the area.
5. If a sneeze has become inevitable, it is the responsibility of all of the patient’s friends to assist in gathering up all sutures, staples, and assorted body parts ejected by the blast. Children should be restrained from chasing down and playing with the bouncy parts if at all possible. The patient is excused from this as he or she will be, as the physicians like to say, “Holding on for dear life” with all available limbs and appendages.
6. A sack should be kept handy to prevent small children and those with weak constitutions from viewing the facial expression of the patient who must cough or sneeze while recovering from rib injuries. While the sack does little to prevent the ejection of various dangly body parts from unsuppressed sneezes, the expression of the suffering patient my cause others to “seize up” or have nightmares.
7. If possible, spouses should refrain from ‘cheering up’ the patient with various comedy routines and Three Stooges rip-offs until a later date.
8. Persons bringing old Bill Cosby tapes as get well gifts should be immediately clubbed. CD’s and DVD’s should be the minimum technology allowed. What century do they think this is anyway?
Denzil “Bucky” Buckle – by whatever name or derogatory term you knew him from his former life, served five weeks in Mercy Hospital in Dubuque, Iowa in late 1998, including one simply smashing week in the Intensive Care ward. His observations of recovery and hospital time have been published only in his blogs and fondest nightmares. He took up writing as a profession after getting the ax for nearly 20 years of mostly loyal service to Cabela’s Inc., a major outdoor sporting goods retailer. His first novel, The Rumble of Wheels: A Toledo Ted Adventure should be completed within the month.
